Sil Lai Abrams: Marriage is Dead

Marriage, in the “traditional” sense, is dead. It died long before Kim Kardashian’s 76 days of “holy” matrimony to Kris Humphries and in spite of the Obamas connubial bliss shining as a beacon of marital hope from the White House.

recent study by the Pew Research Center found that 44% of Milennials, 43% of Gen Xers, and 35% of the Baby Boomers surveyed believe that traditional marriage is rapidly becoming obsolete.  AndU.S. Census statistics are backing up these beliefs with increasing divorce and decreasing marriage rates that show matrimony is no longer the de facto destination for loving and committed couples.

This shift in values is also evident in what’s popular on television today.  During the 80s, The Cosby Show was king…in the 90s it was theFresh Prince of Bel-Air.  Sure, these shows weren’t anything like the reality of the average Black person’s lifestyle, but they at least took a loving approach in how marriage was depicted.  The current Real Bad Girls Basketball Wives of Atlanta who Love Hip Hop genre makes it seem like infidelity, violence, and materialism should be tolerated as the norm in our relationships.  They also promote the warped belief that getting a ring from your man should be the main objective of a woman’s life, and that ANY partner is better than none.  As much as the networks try to pass off these caricatures of relationships as “reality”, these shows are nothing more than an out and out assault on Black love.

It’s true that less and less of us are seeing Clair and Cliff Huxtable’s marriage as a desired or even possible way of life.  Couples are shacking up. Engaging in open marriages. Registering as domestic partners. Choosing not to have children or having them outside of wedlock.  Married, but living in different cities. This openness allows us to take a more individualistic approach to love, affording greater forms of personal expression within our relationships.  As varied as our lifestyles are today, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to fit into the traditional marriage construct.

Let me be clear: I am not against marriage. Although I’m currently single, I’m open to marrying again to the right person and relationship.  I am, however, against the emotional escapism and lack of personal awareness and accountability that’s currently the flavor of love du jour on popular TV, and driving far too many of us down the aisle.

 

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  1. Pastori Balele at 7:47 am

    Marriage is being destroyed by women. Women cause men to cease loving them. Once you marry them they tend to be bosses; yell at you; tell you what to do; call you boy; they cease being clean and therefore smell; they don’t brush their teeth; they talk all time on the phone with their sisters, friends and therefore ignore you; they tell you how they hated or loved their exs; I don’t want or need to hear that; they eat all the time and therefore get overweight­. They are married what do they care anymore! And most important they may not give you the ultimate – sex. “I am tired, sick, stressed out etc.” just stupid reasons like that. They don’t care that sex is important to their man. I am asking women, please treat your husband or boyfriend as a man and you will be surprised how closer they come to you.”

    • R.C. at 3:03 pm

      That goes both ways my friend. Just like it takes two to get together, it takes two to agree to marry, it takes two to say “I DO” and guess what else? It takes TWO, not ONE for the marriage to work! Check out “Women & Marriage, The Romantic Dream vs. The Shocking Disappointing Reality by Ms. Deborrah Cooper on Surviving Dating @www.survivingdating.com. Of course, alot of men don’t worry hear or read about that.

      Just about everything she discussed on this topic is identical to what I’ve experienced with my ex-husband which is why I’m a divorcee. Marriage is not a fairy tale nor it is union where a man should have this ” Well I got her now, so I can chill & do whatever it is I want” attitude. Marriage is hard work which most people don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to put into a marriage but then find themselves in divorce court a few years later. The romance and connection is not just regulated to the “bedroom”. Good day!

    • Christy at 5:56 pm

      While that may have been the truth in your personal experience Pastori, I highly doubt that such behavior is the norm or should be used to give advise to the majority. The average woman cares a great deal about her appearance and that care will proportionatly increase as it is appreciated and affirmed by her partner. Most women will gain a little weight as they get older whether they’re married or not but if they have an active sex life and have had a few kids those odds go up even more. Again, a loving affirming partner can do a lot toward encouraging healthful living, especially if he’s keeping his stuff tight!

      And as for sex, the amount you get is usually directly tied into how much care you give. If your wife knows that you love her, that you’re taking care of her, that you’re helping her with her day to day work and struggles the chances of your getting some loving when you want it go WAY up. As a matter of fact if you’ve done your job right she’ll be coming to you, she’ll want you to touch her, want you in her space. But nothing worth having comes free or easy. Maybe you got a bad one that last time but judging from the tone of your post my guess would be that you’ve got some growing to do too!

    • ImJustSaying at 2:43 am

      Pastori, are you serious? What kind of soma did you marry? Please do not judge all women by the one YOU CHOSE. you should look inwardly because you chose her as a wife.

      I checked myself when I saw how my ex turned out. I did not blame all men, he was responsible for his own actions. I had to look at me to see why i chose to be with someone who turned out like him I don’t color anyone’s world with my ex’s crayon.

      I feel bad that you had this type of experience, but not all women are like that. I pray things change for you.

  2. Denise at 5:06 pm

    That’s your personal opinion. I am happily married to the most wonderful black king I know. I love and treat him like I do my Lord. We have our disagreements but we agree to disagree and we have an understanding. We went through a lot before we got married, but the Lord saw fit to put us together. We had to go through some Holy Spirit counseling where we had to be taught what our roles were in the marriage according to the word of God. The only thing that’s wrong with marriage nowadays is the same thing that’s wrong with the world, no one respects the word of God anymore, no one respects one another and it’s every man for himself.

  3. theloneous at 1:07 am

    Nobody wants to admit it but polygomy is the prevailing “norm” today, and has been for the last 20 – 30 years. We may not call it polygomy but when a person has children with three or four different other people they’ve essentially created a physical and spiritual bond with those people that is not much different than “holy matrimony”, at least it shouldn’t be if they’re responsible parents. During most of mankinds’ history polygomy has been the prevailing family setting, that’s how nations are started and cultures/traditions nourished. The biggest difference between historical polygomy and the current version is that the smartest, strongest and hardest working people were encouraged to be fruitful and multiply, now it seems the people with the weakest minds are the ones having the most children with the most partners.

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