Nomalanga: Why Women Like Eddie Long’s Wife Stay after Public Humiliation
I just read a story about Vanessa Long sharing the “storm” she survived after her husband, Eddie Long, the senior pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, was accused of “having relations” with five young men in the ministry.
Vanessa Long, who herself is an elder at New Birth, spoke to a group of women in the Heart to Heart Ministry at New Birth sharing that the whole experience was a very gruesome struggle but her final decision was to stay with her husband and their church.
As I read the story, I was reminded of the Monica Lewinsky scandal that put the then, First Lady Hilary Clinton, in a similar predicament. I remember being very judgmental of Mrs Clinton, at the time, in my arrogant and youthful ignorance. Now, as I approach eight years of marriage, my perspective has shifted. I am able to see that Elder long (and Mrs. Clinton) can seem like foolish women who are taking this “marriage thing” a little too far but I also see that it is not so simple.
First of all, most people who walk into marriages take vows and those vows, usually say that the couple should stand by each other through “thick and thin” and through “sickness and health” and of course that does not just mean that wives or husbands can’t walk away if their spouses get sick; it means that you vow to stay no matter what!
I will admit, I have somewhat of a bias; I was born and raised in a two parent home and in less than two years, my parents will celebrate 40 year of marriage. Through them, I have learned that if you’re committed to your marriage and the well-being of your children and the stability of your community, there really is next to nothing that can convince you to walk away from your marriage. Further more, my perspective is colored by being raised in a different country where the culture places a very high value on marriage, family and community.
The alarming rate at which people choose to end their marriages today is by far not an indicator of the exceptions of “through thick and thin” but instead an indication that the way modern day society perceives marriage is shifting and not in a good way. If you haven’t already, just spend some time talking to a psychologist or sociologist about the crippling effects of broken homes.
Of course there are exceptions; too often, we hear about battered women who stayed in abusive marriages right up until their husbands took their lives. This is an extreme example and those are the instances where divorce is almost certainly the only option.
In her conversation with the women she was speaking to, Elder Long shared that part of the reason why she stayed was because she wanted to stay with her New Birth family and also because she believed that she could use her experience to inspire and minister to other women who are going through their own “storms”.
How I interpret what she is saying is that she did not just stay because she did not want to leave Eddie Long; she stayed because she understands that her marriage serves a greater purpose than just a relationship between two people. Maybe Mrs. Long considered her three children and thought that even though they had probably suffered a great deal of embarrassment from the attention they got in the scandal, they still deserved to be with both their parents in one household. Maybe Mrs. Long thought about having to leave all the meaningful relationships she had been building for years and the standard of living that she was accustomed to and decided that Eddie Long’s alleged actions should not rob her and her children of those things. Maybe, Mrs. Long thought about the day she said “till death do us part” which meant that even though what her husband was being accused of made her vomit, understandably, he was still alive and that meant that she was still his wife.
I don’t believe that any woman can say with certainty what she would do if she were in the same position as Mrs. Long. We will never know what Mrs. Long’s conversations with God were, as she undoubtedly knelt to pray for the strength and courage to endure the “storm” that her husband had led her into. What I do know is that far more marriages end in divorce than is necessary. I believe that anyone who decides to get married should, as Dr. Phil puts it, “earn their way out” of marriage. What Dr. Phil means is that every possible option to save the marriage should be exhausted before a couple decides they want to swap out their spouse like a old pair of shoes or yesterday’s underwear.
The people who sustain their marriages understand that marriage is not to be taken lightly and it requires commitment, perseverance, sacrifice, selflessness and an understanding that marriage serves a greater purpose than two people getting together because they “love” each other.
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com
Thanks !!! Normalanga that is a wonderful post u put out there !!!!!!!!!!!
The only similarity between Eddie and Bill is that they are both devils and cheaters. Eddie is a homosexual, pedophile, freak that should be behind bars and Bill is just a…well freak. Comparing apples and oranges. If she is staying is because she doesn’t have to be bothered with him and I’m sure the money is right…or maybe because the bible to her so…smh!
Racist caucasians have created a stock pile of dangerous weapons with the intent of killing you know who! The only response from AA’s to this serious threat is to continue buying more gold teeth, tattoos, hair extensions, alcohol, tobacco products, crack and other BS. Caucasians created a fake god- a white man to whom black ppl pray to each day and night. The book associated with this fake god- the Bible instructs black ppl to “Love thy enemy” and “Slaves obey your Masters”. Black people, your enemy is planning to wage an all-out war against you and your response is to- Love and Pray for them. Black ppl, please realize you must overcome your fear of cacasians which is responsible for your paralysis to this eminent violence. The time has come for black ppl to stop being slave minded drones to this wicked nation and fake religion.
What she is doing by staying with a pedophile is showing her chdren that it is OK to abuse and to be abused. There is something wrong with her.
I don’t condone divorce unless adultery has been committed according to what the bible says so if she feels she can forgive her husband than that should be her decision and apparently this was her decision.My question is what were her movtives clearly this so call man of the cloth was having s****l intercourse with young men otherwise no complaint would not have been brought against him which is grounds for a divorce was it for money reasons or staying for the sake of the children.Personally I couldn’t see myself staying with a man who have s****l abused children over and over again for money for the children or any other reason if he is a pedophile her staying with him will stop him from doing this too other children.
How much was she paid? She is a poor example to her daughters and to mothers and ALL women in the church. He should have resigned and she should have divorced.
Eddie Long is a fraud and in staying with him his wife is in colusion with him.She wants to maintain her life style. She has known that he wasn’t right for years. As a man I have come to realize that you cannot fool a woman for long. She knew that he did not want her for years. The dude was flying all over the world with boys. Eddie used her as a cover.
c**p like this makes it hard for people to take christians seriously.
The church seems to have no standards.
You see Bernice King got the h**l up outta there! Still don’t understand why he’s not in jail..wasn’t he molesting boys? This is a hot ghetto stank mess!
Wonderful article! I appreciate and applaud Ms. Long for taking the stand that she has. I also understand that one’s vows made to and before a “Living God” should always outweigh man.
That was a well written article and I respect Ms. Long’s decision to stay with her husband. I am not understanding how a vow, made by two people has to bind one and not the other.
Did Bishop Long not break his vows, as well as a number of the laws of god.
I am ashame of some these ignorant comments,like only leave him for adultery,marriage for better or worse,and it had to be the spirit of god that engulf her and i don’t beleive in divorce. these are good examples of ignorant christian belief. First of all this predator BISHOP should be in prison. what decent women knowingly sleep with a nasty pedephile? You people need to pray for god help. Hard to beleive a educated author can support a women who will stay in this filth.
Mrs. Long is not going to stop being a First Lady of a church. She is not going to divorce Bishop BoyMolestor, those at the church provide for the Long family in grand style.
I ain’t saying she a gold-digger, but he is not a broke, you know the rest.
She’s typical- ( white or African American woman ) needs to be financially secure; her and the children. He need to be Tared and Feathered in the name of Jesus, and don’t give me that God forgives line– Eddie suppose to be a child of God-as they are taught-therefore – God should punish him with the law of the land that states that children ought not be ABUSED in any FORM.
Last but not least-in the celebrating of Jesuus Christ may we celebrate the Lord Jesus and not the Businesses that are PIMPING his day of Acknowledgment- may we as ONE—
Boycott Christmas 2012
This is why Black women should stay out of the church. We are fed this garbage and talk all kinds of abuse and disrespect and then fall back on God, Jesus and “no man is perfect”. We have been brainwashed. I don’t know any man who would tolerate serial adultery, s****l relationships with children and then stay by the women and invoke the Bible and the name of God. So many Black women are pathetic and so abused that they can’t imagine having a man who is decent, respectful and supportive.
When you have kids and you are cheated on, there is a lot to consider, not only your lifestye, I guess she put the kids first, but, they will grow up. Who knows if leadership spoke and convinced her not to leave yet and there is a finincial incentive for her down the road, you never know.
She and Dottie Sandusky are cut from the same cloth!
She probably stayed in because of the comforts and the conveniences. People hate to uproot their lives. Especially, when they get older. She probably figures I will not have s*x with him. Or at least try this for as long as she can. That is the biggest problem in this. He was messing around with a situation that could give her AIDS. She probably knows the next situation will not be any better.
She doesn’t want to give up her prestige and oppulent lifestyle and she loves her husband, despite his shortcomings.
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It amazed me that Bishop Eddie Long did not go to prison for his crime. Sandusky who did this crime to a group of alleged “white” poor and proverty stricken children got years in prison. Was it because those young people the Bishop took to bed were Black teens who lives did not matter, or did his money talk for him? If Mrs. Long wishes to remain with him, peace be unto her, she has to live that nightmare everyday. The church should have sued Bishop Long, he took peoples tithes and paid his way out of a conviction and people are suppose to continue to “sit” under his leadership, I think not!
Mrs. Long has a right to stay in her marriage if she chooses to and she owes us no explanation. That is between her, her husband and God. However, I see her appeal as one of courage and strength as she heals and deals with the situation, a cross she, too, has to bear. As far as the allegations against her husband, though interrelated, they are separate and apart from her commitment to her marriage.
I believe that God is truly exposing false leaders because He wants true Christians to lead His people. God always humiliates those who think that they are bigger than Him. To God be the glory.